Almost doesn’t count….

“……….Here’s a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don’t worry, be happy
In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don’t worry, be happy………….”

The above is the opening verse to Bobby Mcferrin’s song titled, “Don’t worry, be happy.”

PHASE II:

Thursday, 4th August 2016.

Tick tock! Tick tock!
Teren! Teren!

“..Dear Candidate,
Congratulations on passing the Aptitude test.
You are invited for a company Presentation and Interviews on :

Date: 5th August, Friday, Time: 08:00 a.m.
Confirm your attendance by replying to this E-Mail
Keep time
Fill the attached Questionnaire and send it back by4th August together with your resume….”

The email read.

What a relief it was! You mean I passed the test despite all that Russian roulette?

“Heheh, Bryan! We ni ule msee!” I confidently whispered to myself as I thumped my chest in delight like King Kong.

A critic would say it is not over until it is over. They would also say that that did not mean I got the job. Pause!

It was on a windy Thursday, 9.09 am. to be precise, when I received the email inviting me for the interview. As a prerequisite for any interview preparation, I expeditiously research on the company’s interview process. What I find out concerning the company is shocking! Have you ever been scared to the roots of your existence? Have you ever felt confused like a maggot in a collapsed latrine?

“What is 9647 multiplied by 312?”

“What is the cube root of 405234?”

“What is the square of 641?”

“What is the square root of 7586?”

Well, these are the types of questions asked in the company’s interview. Each is to be answered in less than 10 seconds. To make matters worse, one is supposed to calculate them without a pen and paper! Kwani, am I going to be hired as the company’s calculator? I stood there puzzled like Kobe Bryant in a tight basketball match. Eish! That is not what I signed up for! Surely, are these people even realistic?

A puzzled Kobe Bryant

Oh! No! Damn it! For a moment, I contemplated missing the interview because that is not what I signed up for. However, what prompted me to proceed with the preparation is the sacrifice I made on Tuesday. Do you want to know what the sacrifice entailed? Well, you will know it soon.

“What is the length of this room?”

“What is the height of this building?”

“How many computers are there in our office?”

“If I were to give you $5,000 would you jump off the 7th floor of this building?”

The questions got crazier.

“If I were to give you $3,000 would you go out there in the street and kiss any random lady?

Enhe! Kwani was I auditioning for “Naswa” or “Kaa Rada?”

The four-lettered word that begins with an “S” got real. The types of questions asked by the company were not the conventional ones like:

“Why should we hire you?”

“Where do you see yourself in the next five years?”

“Why do you want to work here?”

No way! They were different. Sooner or later, different scares people. I was as scared as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs (you never want to imagine the fate of the tail, heheh). It is at that moment that I recollected Hessy’s words, “utajua haujui” and they rang deafeningly in my head to the point that I became thoughtless.

How frustrated I felt.

Image Credits: Pinterest

Just then, an idea struck my mind. I logged into Youtube and searched for multiplication tricks. I searched for “square root tricks,” “how to find the cube root of a number in 3 seconds,” “how to multiply 4 digit and 3 digit numbers in 5 seconds.” For a moment, I felt like a Form 1 student being asked to take on KCSE after a single term in school. I just could not get the tricks. Besides feeling frustrated, I reminisced campus moments when we used to run to Youtube for quick fixes especially on topics such as Markov Chain Analysis, Kolmogorov Complexity, and Stochastic Modeling.

Markov Analysis

Image Credits: Qualitats

1.07 pm. Damn! Time was moving as fast as an old maid trying to catch a bridal bouquet. I decided to tackle the questionnaire. Things got thick! I seemed to be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I felt as muddled as a man trying to understand how women work.

Knock! Knock!

I tried to guess who was on the door. Well, I first imagined that it was the caretaker by virtue of the date and day. On opening the door, I saw my longtime friend. He looked hyper. I wonder what psyched him up and for a moment I wished that I could feel the same way.

“Buda, rada ni gani leo?” He entreated as he boxed my shoulder. I nearly fell (of course you know why).

“Eish, boss iko nini? Ugoigoi nini? Ata umekula kweli? Mbona mnyonge kama fan wa Asenali ivi?”

Frustrated Arsenal Fan

Image Credits: Arsenal Fan TV

I scratched my unkempt and nearly-dreadlocked hair as I answered him,“Ustakejua buda. Kuna interview moto hapa joh! Ndio najipanga joh. Siko rada ata. Yaani nko nje design ya Wenger.” (Lol! We usually enjoy dissing Wenger and Arsenal in general).

A quashed Arsene Wenger.

Image Credits: SkySports.

“Mguyz, usiwahi-tense. Interview tu? Heheh. Achanga izo. Form ni kuchillax na kungoja ikam vile itakam,” he remarked encouragingly.

“Ehe!” I snickered.

If only he knew the ‘trouble’ that I was in then, he would have given me heart in a better way.

I wanted to shut him up but I could not. I just decided to “bite the lemon and swallow the bitter juice” (kuuma ndimu lol!).

“By the way nko na bike!” He retorted suggestively.

Now what? Damn! It had been over a decade since the last time I rode a bicycle like silly.

Mountain Bike.

Image Credits: Pinterest

“Good idea!” I responded assertively.

“Iko wapi nitoe stress nayo?” I asked.

“Cheki hiyo kitu,” he answered as he pointed at it through the window.

“MTB! Wow! Nooma design ya very,” I answered as I quickly went down the steps to have a ride.

The bike was light and comfy to ride. Wow! What a nice feeling. To me, the ride proved true the saying that goes, “you never know what you’ve been missing till it arrives.” Indeed, I had missed a bicycle ride.

A Maasai man riding a bicycle joyfully.

Image Credits: Alamy

5.22 pm. 3 hours later.

I came back to the house feeling wasted away after hours of a fun ride around the neighbourhood. For a moment, I had suppressed the feelings of anxiety and tension. However, as scientists say, the act of resisting emotions is the act of granting it life.

“Acha niende ninyoe. Kesho ni nomareh! Si tuendanishe hivi,” I suggested as we left the house.

“Chillax buda. By the way, niliday kukushow that wasee hupatana hapo kwetu ku-fellowship pamoja kila Thursday. Sa si tushuke hivi angalau uulize Sir God akuokole kesho,”

“Eish buda! Manze time imeenda na siko rada bado. Itabidi nikutume na prayer request yangu joh! This is a do or die situation. Nielewe tu!” I begged.

“Cheki buda falai! Unafanyaje Sir Jah awe optional? Muombe na atakuhelp. Heheh wacha tension joh! Aminia!” he encouraged me.

“Zi!” I retorted, “Muniombee tu. Ntaatend next time.”

“Haina noma. Lakini usikuange hivyo. Huyu ni Sir Jah. Si wa kuchezewa ka besteako.” he replied.

He accompanied me to the barbershop as I instructed the barber get me a ‘jordan’ haircut. As the barber continued to gladly shave my head, I reminisced those days in the lower primary when the default haircut was ‘jordan.’  As I reminisced, I just wondered at how time has flown and at how far I had come from.

A kid getting the jordan haircut.

Image Credits: Pinterest

9.37 pm. Tensed night.

“Take this number and find out the next odd number and write it beside the number…” Whatever the hell that is….

Multiplication Tricks

Video Credits: Youtube/Mandhan Academy

I was still streaming Youtube videos like the one above. As time flew second by second, I grew pale and tensed as a tree in a hurricane. I knew I stood no chance. Then a thought crossed my mind, well you got nothing to lose Bryan! I encouraged myself.

10.04 pm. Moments to happy hour in slumberland.

“That’s enough Bryan. Don’t worry, be happy!” I murmured to myself encouragingly as I bounced to Bobby McFerrin’s  “Be Happy.”

 

Bobby Mcferrin’s Don’t worry, Be happy

Video Credits: Youtube/ BobbyMcFerrinVEVO

I counter-checked whether I had filled the questionnaire as required.

Shirt, check! Trouser, check! Certificates, check! Transcripts, check! Stationery, check! Mwakenya, check! (Heheh, ata interview mtu huhitaji mwakenya lol!)

I was warily ready for the next day – let me call it – the scariest day of my life.

10.27 pm.

Lights out.

To be continued………

Almost doesn’t count..

“…..Almost made you love me, almost made you cry

Almost made you happy, baby, didn’t I, didn’t I?

You almost had me thinking you were turned around

But everybody knows, almost doesn’t count……”

The above is the opening verse to Brandy’s song titled “Almost doesn’t count.”

PHASE I:

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2016.

I wake up rather late for the test. Anyway, who cares? Aptitude tests have always been a piece of cake to me, or rather, as easy as ABC. I had always longed for that day that I shall step into PWC towers, and that day had come only that I was not going to PWC. Mark you, I had attempted the PWC aptitude test, and I failed, and it became the first one in my life that I had ever failed.

 

PWC Towers at Waiyaki Way, Westlands, Nairobi.

Image Credits: SkyscraperCity

So today I am at the PWC towers on a different mission but the same agenda – to get employed. I had almost given up on the company because I had applied for the vacancy over two months ago and there was no communication from them regarding whether they had received my application. However, right now, all that is in the past. At least, I am glad that I have been invited for the first phase of recruitment.

I enter the fully packed room at exactly 8.47 a.m. At the reception, I can spot a tough looking security guard. If he were an American, he would simply pass for an ex-Navy Seal. There seemed to be no trace of warmth around him as I approached the reception desk.

“Confirm your name on this list and sign against it,” he commanded (I must use the word “command” by virtue of his description).

I manage to locate my name, and I append my signature with the utmost confidence. It seemed like I was signing a 221 million cheque (if you know what I mean, heheh) written in my favor. I then proceed to the next room as I await further instructions.

So we are like 100 contestants. I can spot schoolmates and classmates from campus. We exchange pleasantries and our conversations center on tarmacking.

“Ata wewe bado unatarmack?” One of them asks inquiringly.

“Hivyo ndio kunaendanga, heheh,” I mutter sarcastically.

In two shakes of a lamb’s tail, our conversations and interactions are cut short by a lady’s modulated voice from the sound system within the building. We are instructed to take all our luggage into a separate room and get ready for the test.

“Who carries luggage to an aptitude test?” I ask myself sardonically.

Surely, who does that? (In DJ Shiti’s voice).

DJ Shiti of The Real Housewives of Kawangware.

Image Credits: Mpasho

After the preparation commotion is over, we enter a room full of computers and sophisticated workstations. Oooh! Where have you been all my life?

A day trader’s workstation.

Image Credits: desktopped.com

Immediately, I begin to see myself trading behind one of the workstations. Swiftly, I move from dreamland into reality. The reality is that I have to pass the aptitude and probably three face-to-face interviews before I live my dream of trading behind one of the machines.

Traders office set-up.

Image Credits: Cosmotech

We then sit behind the computers. We are then issued with passwords to the aptitude system. Then a plump lady walks into the room. She is wearing a brown official lady suit. Her hair, although shorter, reminds me of Whitney Houston’s curly locks when she released her album titled Whitney in 1987. I’m sure members of that SACCO are satisfied by what they see in her even though time and again we know that they never get satisfied. Their modus operandi is usually, “onto the next one.”

The late Whitney Houston in 1987 when she released an album titled Whitney.

Image Credits: Pinterest.

Based on the instructions she gives us, I guess that she is the HR manager. I say so because she kept referring to a set of instructions that had been attached to the email inviting us to the aptitude test. She finally gives us the go ahead.

The test is to last for 40 minutes only, and it is composed of mathematical and observation questions. I know you are wondering what observation questions are. Okay, these are the questions that test one’s observation skills. For instance, you may be given a box full of words which are written in different colors, and you are instructed to observe the box carefully. Then after you answer three to four mathematical questions, you are asked to identify which one of the words are written with the wrong color. That’s a tough challenge, isn’t it?

As we continue solving the questions, some of the employees begin streaming in. I manage to find the opportunity to steal glances at them. Based on what I see, I can tell that there is a sense of freedom. It seems like the employees are given the liberty to operate based on their free will. It also seems like they are free to wear what they want. I am particularly impressed by one of them who is dressed in a pair of shorts and casual sandals. He drags himself to the coffee vending machine.

Focus! Bryan! Focus!

Back to the test. The questions are tough as that four-letter word. I regret saying that aptitudes are easy. Anyway, I encourage myself through adopting a positive mindset. At some points, I am forced to trust my gut feeling. Being a phlegmatic, I also use my sense of intuition in solving some questions. What motivates me to play Russian roulette with the questions is the long known trick of succeeding in any aptitude exam – finish all the questions.

“Chicago report coming in. I repeat, Chicago report coming in. Check mail. Over and out.”

A silken, sensuous, rumbling baritone voice is heard emanating from the room’s public address system. You know that kind of masculine voice that can make a lady’s knees to wobble like jelly? Yes, that’s what I’m talking about. I guess our sisters from another mother could not get enough of the voice. To put things clear, the voice sounded like Barry White’s (Do you really know what he did using his voice?). I guess they would have wished for him to talk on and on. Anyway, who am I to be quick to judge?

The late Barry White.

Image Credits: PRX

At the 40th minute, the chubby HR manager orders us to stop. From where I am, I can see that the room is half empty. I guess some of the contestants gave up on the way. But then again, who am I to be too quick to jump to extraneous conclusions? Well, blame it on my phlegmatic nature. What a relief!

To be continued……

[NB: The story is to be written in three phases].

A to Z of LIFE…

Just recently, I happened to attend a church service and I must admit that it was one of the best I  ever attended. From Praise and Worship to opening prayer to entertainment from all church spheres (by spheres here I mean Men’s Fellowship, Women Ministries, the Youth and not forgetting the Sunday School) to the Sermon, I must say all just  brought about a breath of life and more so the breath of heaven upon the congregation.

Let me dive straight into the gist of that day i.e. the sermon. The preacher took to the dais and the word of the day came from the book of John 11. I know when anyone mentions John 11, the first verse that rings into our minds is verse 35!! But today, the preacher focused on verses 8-9 and also verse 11. Here, the greatest lesson that was passed across was that our calendar is in God’s hands (v9) and that the raising of Lazarus from the dead was meant to tell the world that everything is in God’s hands too.

To lay emphasis on this passage, the preacher reminded us that NOTHING IS PERMANENT IN THIS WORLD, EVEN OUR TROUBLES. She proposed that one way of dealing with the stresses we encounter was doing something we have never done before e.g. going to a private hotel or to a mall you have always wanted to as this will serve to divert you away from deep thoughts which usually worsens the situation. In my case, when I’m stressed, I usually eat something I have never eaten before hehehe! Or more still in the same breath, I take my precious time to cook a meal I have always longed for and by the time I’m done the stress is gone!!!

Remember STRESSED written backwards is DESSERTS. What do I mean? I mean when you are STRESSED you should try DESSERTS.

As she came to a close, she gave us a summarized alphabetical meaning of life as below:

ABC: Avoid Bad Company (As it is often said, bad company ruins good morals. Need I say more?).

DEF: Don’t Entertain Fools (this one here is self explanatory).

GHI: Go for High Ideas (You cannot achieve big if you go for small things).

JKLM: Just Keep Legit and Modest friend ( have a company of friends who will not backstab you..those are REAL).

NOP: Never Overlook the Poor and the suffering/ or best still Never Overlook other People.

QRS: Quit Reacting to Silly texts or news (this is so much applicable to the present day and era of technology and social media. Need I say more?).

TUV: Tune Urself for Victory (here, entrust everything to the Lord and surely victory will be yours!).

W: When you lose at life, don’t lose the lesson learned. (heed the lessons of failure).

X: eXcellence in all your efforts (if you strive for excellence in everything you do, success will follow you running with pants down)

Y: You, yes you! You are unique, nothing can ever take your place.

Z: Zoom ahead of life (as you focus ahead, remember that God is our tour guide).

Just as you learned A for Apple and B for Boy back in kindergarten should you make it a point to remember the A to Z of life. Wasn’t it a sermon worth attending?

Let me hear your views in the comments section below and remember sharing is caring..